I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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