ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
