my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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