I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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