i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
