I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
