end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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