words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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