I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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