just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
