apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
