The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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