just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
