hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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