I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize