Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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