I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
