I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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