You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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