I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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