hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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