According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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