Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
