she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
