Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
