I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
