addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Randomize
