And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
