P.S. I can't hear my feet
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize