Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize