He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
