You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
