I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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