He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
