cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
