you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
