the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
