K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize