not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
