how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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