The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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