Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
