its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
