I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
