I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
