she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
