I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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