Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
