Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
