Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
