His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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