guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
