Someone shit on the floor
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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