I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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