it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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