theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
