I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
