mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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