party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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