i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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