Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
