everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
