you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
