throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize