when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize