Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
