Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
