That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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