Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I checked into jail on foursquare
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize