Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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