the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
